For All You Renaissance Freaks, I mean Geeks, Out There

I was looking for some very tasteful artwork for my new home recently, and came across some very... er... interesting items for sale.
How about a Richard The Lionhearted Toilet Seat? Be careful of the claws on that lion, though. They might scratch that gentle little sword-wielding bottom of yours.
















A gargoyle with a penchant for oral.. er.. I mean, kinda shitty imported Dutch beer? I mean, grog, or whatever all you ren-fair-ies drink.

















Perfect for the parents who want to scare the shit out of their kids (or elderly parents with a heart condition) at night:
















This is being marketed to adults. No, seriously. I mean it.
















This would be perfect as a centerpiece during Thanksgiving dinner! It seems kind of silly to me, though, that the gargoyle's name on this piece is "Languish". It would probably be more accurate if he was called Assiticus Scratchiticus.
















I honestly don't even know what to say about this, except, "nice man hands". Or about the kinds of people that I imagine would find this to be a lovely little addition to their collection of medieval torture devices:















I'm sorry, peeps, but I simply cannot go on any more. I am about to pee myself and thus embarass myself greatly. For your own humor and amusement, feel free to browse more delightful items such as these. You can find them here. Don't say I never gave you anything.

UPDATE: No, I do not consider any of the above to be the "tasteful items" to which I was referring at the beginning of this post. I have obviously not purchased any of these items, although sadly, I know one person in particular who would probably wet his pants in a good way if he knew that these were on the market.

UPDATE No. 2: This is a blatent mockery of Renaissance Fair-goers. Which might be cruel and disheartening if I had never before attended a Renaissance Fair. More than once. And thoroughly enjoyed eating legs of turkey and potatoes without utensils. I mean, because, like, I haven't. Or anything.

UPDATE No. 3: *sigh*. I am such a liar.